


Breath through Strife

by inujuju



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Academy Era, Childhood Trauma, Fear of Choking, Hand Jobs, M/M, Minor Pseudodysphagia, Rough Body Play, Spoilers for Claude's Background, War Era, breath play, erotic asphyxiation, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:55:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22604317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inujuju/pseuds/inujuju
Summary: Claude loves nothing more than the idea of bruises on his skin, of bite marks on his neck. Unfortunately for him, he will have to accept that he has some childhood trauma. And even then, he may need help to get through it.Thankfully, Dimitri is always willing to lend a hand.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Claude von Riegan
Comments: 16
Kudos: 162





	1. It May Help

**Author's Note:**

> Dimitri says Claude's name, the fic. Now with more angst and trauma.
> 
> Inspired, in part, by a convo on twitter (I'm inujujula over there kthnxbye).

"Trauma" was not a word that Claude would use to describe his childhood. Full of shit, painful, rough; those were the ones that normally came to mind, the ones that made sense and slotted into his brain without too much examination. Claude loved turning things around, to look at a problem from all its angles. His own past was something he choose to leave be. He had lived it, experienced it first hand. He didn't need to examine something like that.

At least, he convinced himself that he didn't.

Dimitri's mouth is on his, the two of them tucked between the sauna and the dorms. Claude could track the path with ease, half a mind on unwanted voyeurs and half on getting lost in Dimitri's vigor. It was late enough that the sun had set, that they should probably be in their dorms, but Dimitri had pulled Claude towards the secluded corner, hunger in his eyes and apologies on his lips.

Claude loved that about Dimitri, the dichotomy between his actions and words. On anyone else it would seem hypocritical, but on Dimitri it just spoke to his sincerity. His honesty. Everything Dimitri did was with his whole being. Be it lecturing Annette to go to bed while his own eyes looked tired, or kissing Claude with a fervor he couldn't control, Dimitri didn't do things in half's.

They were getting lost in the kisses, in the _bites_. Claude loved the sparks of pain overloading his senses and Dimitri loved the pull on his hair. Everything they were doing was perfect, electing groans as they pushed growing erections tighter together. As the world faded further away.

But trauma never faded.

One of Dimitri's hands shifted. His gloved fingers pressing against Claude's hair. Dimitri thrived when he could control the angle they kissed at. It was hot and it was safe, so Claude never minded, never thought any better. Now Dimitri's hand slides down to Claude's neck and something tense inside of him screams.

He pulls back, stumbling into the wall, cheeks still flusged but beginning to pale. His eyes scramble for purchase but the world had lost focus in that second of contact, in that familiar feeling of something on his neck.

"Claude?" Dimitri says, confused, worried, hurt. He reaches out for Claude but doesn't touch.

Claude's world stutters but he shakes his head, pushing everything _down_ and smiles at Dimitri. "Sorry" He says around a cough. His voice comes out rough, as if he had been- "I guess I got spooked a little."

Despite Claude's wink, Dimitri isn't pacified. It was something Claude normally loved about the other, his drive to make everything perfectly clear between them, but...

"Are you alright?" Dimitri asks, holding Claude's hands in his own.

 _"No."_ was the honest thing to say, but Claude always hated being honest. This is just the kind of coward he is.

"I'll be fine." He takes a step forward, intent to distract Dimitri from the accident with another kiss.

Unfortunately, Dimitri has already opening his stance back to the outside world. He is smiling, though it isn't as happy as it normally is after a kissing session.

"We should turn in. I'll walk you to your room."

Claude feels himself ruffle at the care. He should be thankful, but instead it makes him feel weak, pathetic. Like there was something wrong with him for not being able to handle a hand on his neck.

It's not like Dimitri was going to strangle him, Claude argues with himself.

But he doesn't know that.

"Claude?" Shit, Claude had tucked himself back into his head.

Covering for the momenr, Claude stretches out and yawns. "I guess you're right. I'm flattered to have such a handsome knight escort me home." He says with a wink, folding his hands behind his head.

Dimitri gives out a wistful sigh. "Well, Madame, it is only two doors down from my own. It is of no trouble." He holds out his arm and Claude grabs it with a bit more glee than normal. It's nice that after whatever that was (it wasn't something important, it wasn't) Dimitri still let's him touch, let's him be silly. Its a reprieve from the normal scrutiny Claude is under, a time to just be himself.

He refuses to ruin that.

* * *

It happens again, as Claude knew it would but refused to accept. This time it's all his fault, and he should have known better. He should have realized his problem and moved past it like a- a warrior. Not like some some scared child.

Claude had seen hickeys on Sylvain ealier that day. That lead to daydreams of Dimitri leaving bruises on Claude's own neck. He wanted the two of them to fall into something more violent, more carnal. Claude hated violence but loved strength and he wanted Dimitri to cover him in marks to show that they were together. It came from a selfish place, as all of Claude's wishes. He wanted the bites because they would last longer than a day. He could trace over them, remember how he got them, and his mood would beam. This fling he had with Dimitri... It wouldn't last. No one would allow it. And as much as Dimitri made moving mountains feel possible, Claude had made peace with being nothing but a school tryst.

So when they meet up again, this time in the more secluded library well past midnight, Claude decides they can handle it. That a few love bites would be erotic and something he could tease Dimitri about in private, electing a blush, a stutter, a fond smile.

Dimitri takes his well, gasping beautifully and pushing against Claude with heat down his legs, eyes dark. He retaliated on Claude's lips first, then his chin, but Claude wants something that would be permanent for longer than a moment. He wanted it to feel real. He lets the heat of the moment cloud his mind, let's his fingers pull at Dimitri's hair. Claude tilts his neck and gives off all the signals of a man deep in lust and wanting _more_.

So Dimitri give him that.

Adrenaline rushes through Claude at the pain, but it is not with pleasure. Something seizes in him, something grabs him and tosses his mind into darkness. The library shines gold like a palace and Dimitri's groans are hissing grunts and-

They are on the floor, Dimitri pinned beneath Claude, eyes startled and scared and just. Claude can't do this, he can't. He surges upward, gasping for air, and trying desperatly to remind himself that this isn't Almyra, that the pain on his neck was from lust and not hatred.

Dimitri frowbs as he stands, though he still accepts Claude's rushed hand to help. He even lets Claude hold on to his hand, to just keep himself grounded in that way.

"Will you tell me what's wrong now?" Dimitri asks, and there's a bit of bite there, frustation. It's well deserved but Claude feels his walls surge up around him.

Don't tell anyone anything. Keep them all at a distance. He should have known better.

"No," he says and it sounds like defeat.

Dimitri takes his hand back, but he's not like Claude, he's not selfish. He sets his hand on Claude's shoulder, waits until he looks up at him.

"We can stop this, if it's not comfortable for you."

It twists like a knife in Claude's gut. He should know, he's had it happen before. But he can't let it show, he has told himself this would end and why not end it here, on his own hang ups rather than Dimitri's. It will make things easier in the long run.

"Yeah, I guess it just wasn't meant to be, you princliness." Dimitri frowns, and Claude knows him well enough to see his struggle over something. Ettiquete probably. His prince is always so prim and proper. "You can go ahead. I have some assignments I've been putting off." He winks for good measure. "At least we won't be distracted anymore."

Dimitri's smile is small and tight, his eyes shine with water, and Claude refuses to believe it. Claude is good at lying, and even better at lying to himself. When Dimitri gives a curt nod in farewell, he tells himself that it's fine, that this isn't a mistake. That, in the long run, it's better this way.

He almost believes it.

* * *

The House vs House Sword Tournament is meant to be a fun competition. A show of strength between the nations in a friendly manner that doesn't involve death or bloodshed. Claude allows himself to be roped into it, part sympathy for his poorly trained classmen and part pride. He knows Felix will be entered, and he hasn't had a chance to fight against him yet. Keeping friendly relations with the tournament organizer ensures that Felix is his first opponent. While his house takes it as the loss it will be, Claude knows he wasn't going to take first place. Better to ensure he at least gets what he wants out of the event.

Sharp strikes, unexpected parries, it's a rush that Claude gets lost in. The two of them trade blows almost like a dance and Claude enjoys every moment of it. Felix is strong, he's skilled, but Claude is slippery and calculating. He knows he'll tire first but he's proud of his performance.

Felix knocks him down, slamming on top like a harsh wind in the middle of a storm. Claude is gripping the others sword hand, and he expects Felix to go for his own sword, or to at least pin his arm so they can wrestle through the match like children. It would be the smart thing to do, in a tournament where lives aren't on the line.

Instead Felix's eyes burn and Claude's breath jumps because there is a rage there he didn't notice until now. A hatred he's never seen. Felix's free hand slams against Claude's neck, chocking him as Felix lets out a roar.

Claude is never unprepared. When his mind blanks out, his body resorts to instinct and does what has kept him alive until now. It knees Felix in the gut, using the momentum to flip them and his sword moves to _slice_.

"Claude!" It's Dimitri, because of course it is. He's not dumb and anyone who has seen what Dimitri has would know what would happen.

Blood has already been drawn though, even if it's just a sliver. Control is all Claude has and when he loses it Claude remembers he is so very, very, weak.

The sword clatters as Claude moves, as he runs like the coward he is. People call out for him, but its Felix's coughing and blood that keep him moving. He almost killed someone, _he almost killed someone_. Someone that was just venting out their own problems on Claude in a spar, not an assassin sent to end a life.

His steps are fast, his breaths faster. Claude can't trust himself like this, can't promise that he won't hurt anyone else. And hasn't he done enough of that? Between Dimitri's stilted smile and Felix's wound, Claude has done nothing but harm others all because he's lost in the memory of murderers and danger.

Claude's childhood was full of shit, painful, rough. It was traumatic in ways he still can't bring himself to accept.

He's in the dorms, closing his bedroom in a slam, locking it. It's not Garreg Mach Monastary that he's in, but the palace of gold and heat and there are hands against his throat, trying to stop his breathing. He already can't breath, the assailant should just slice his stomach and be done, but Claude knows, he knows because that's happened, that that won't kill him. Wounds can heal, his crest and magic won't let such things be the end. But if Claude can't breathe, can't stay conscious, than they can do whatever they want to him.

The world is out of focus, fuzzy and painful, and Claude _still can't breath_. There is a pressure there that can't be real because he is alone but his lungs don't agree. Nothing around him cares as he panics and collapses and cries desperately for air.

* * *

There are bursts of light in his eyes, but when Claude opens them, its dark. The ceiling is different, the bed stiff, and all Claude can remember is suffocating. He jolts forward, taking greedy gulps of air as if he's dying. Something bangs against the floor and there are cold hands gripping his shoulders.

"It's okay!" Someone says. "Claude, look at me, you need to calm down." Claude tries, he really does, but his heart is running away from him and taking all the air with it. The hands move to his cheeks and they're so cold and the person before him is so pale that Claude's memories stutter.

"D-Dimitri?" He says around gasps. The man slumps in relief, gloved thumbs rubbing against Claude's cheeks, rough and so very there.

"That's right Claude. It's me. It's okay. You're safe here."

Claude allows the words to calm, to curl himself into a ball of swirling emotions. He clings to Dimitri and he shakes, cries, everything. Claude doesn't care about control, he cares about living and right now that means letting everything go.

Dimitri rubs his back, holding Claude close and keeping up his words. They don't register, but the voice, far too soft and bright to be from Almyra, tethers Claude back to reality, to the world around him.

It takes awhile, but the shakes slow and Claude can breath again. He's not gasping or choking and only cold air settles across his neck. Claude knows he should pull away, but he sags instead, thankful for Dimitri's strength that can easily hold them both.

"Is Felix okay?" Claude asks, and his voice comes out rough, as if he was actually strangled. He shakes the thought away, focusing on the hand against his back.

"The only real wound is to his pride, and even that was self-inflicted." Dimitri says. Claude's brow creases confused. Dimitri continues. "He was angry at you for what happened between us. Instead of accepting it as he should have, he decided to lash out at you at the tournament. It wasn't your fault."

Claude huffs, "wasn't I the reason we broke up?"

Dimitri struggles to answer that, but he does. "Partially. I... should have been more careful, more understanding. I didn't like that you wouldn't open up to me and instead of being kind and accepting that, I decided to turn my back on you. I'm sorry."

Frowning, Claude pulls back, looking at Dimitri and the bags under his eyes. "Anyone would have. Trust is something expected in a relationship."

Dimitri shakes his head. "It is, but some things takes more time. I shouldn't have expected you to open up about something so easily, not when I keep my own secrets." _My own traumas_ Claude heards it felt apt. No one seemed to come to Garreg Mach without their own set of scars.

"What happened?" Claude asks, taking in the infirmary around him. They're the only two present, though Claude notices Professor Manuela's clipboard next to his bed.

"I chased after you when you fled." Dimitri begins. "You weren't responding and I was worried that you'd hurt yourself. I didn't catch you until you were already in your room. You'd lock the door before I could get in, and I was prepared to wait for you to calm down but-" Dimitri takes a breath, nerves and embarrassment coloring his cheeks. "I heard you fall and I just kind of... broke the door."

"Broke the door." Claude repeats. 

Dimitri's blush get's worse. "I ripped it off its hinges. You were already unconscious so I raced you here. I've been here since." Dimitri nods to the clip board. "Professor Manuela was here and she was able to get you conscious enough to take some medicine. It was a depressant of some kind. Your breathing returned to normal but you were exhausted, and fell asleep. She said that you wouldd need a lot of rest after what happened." Dimitri looks down at his lap. "I offered to stay with you. She left a few hours ago after she was positive you were stable."

Claude takes in the story, focusing on keeping his breaths even. His mouth _does_ taste gross, now that he thinks of it. Paying attention to his body also lets him he feel the exhaustion clinging to him. With a groan for show, he lays back down on the bed.

The two are silent for a while. Claude's mind filtering through his history and he decides on a plan. Conclusion made, Claude voices his thoughts. "It's been a long time, since I had a panic attack." He admits, uneasy. "They were more common when I was younger, but since coming to Garreg Mach, I've been able to control them. Though I guess avoiding them is more accurate." Claude tilts his head so he can see Dimitri. He's still not ready to voice the cause of his intense reactions but... Dimitri is hear and that's nice. Having someone beside him. Its amazing what support can do.

Claude smiles, sliding to make room for another body. "I think I'd like more cuddles to help me sleep, if you want to join me?"

Dimitri blushes, but there is relief in his face. He slips his shoes off and rests under the covers. Professor Manuela will be the first one to arrive in the morning, and her dedication to look over Claude will make sure both boys are awake before any visitors. It's safe and warm and Claude let's himself cling to Dimitri, who holds him close.


	2. You Can Do It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The war may be over, but Claude is still working through his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gotta get the kink in here somehow.

The war has done nothing for Claude's nerves. It's only inflicted new traumas that dig just as deep as his childhood. Leadership forces Claude to realize that he can't run away from everything. That he has to pick and choose his battles. If he can't prevent something, he must have plans to mitigate it instead. He uses this for his tactics, for his schemes. Both the battle field and in the war room benefit from it. His mind is razor sharp while also being worn down.

Claude returns to his dorm room at the end of it all. Its a piece of his childhood that is friendlier than most. Dimitri's there, of course, and he greets him with a sharp eye, closing one of Claude's books.

For a moment, they don't say anything. They have more secrets than they did five years ago. Still, Claude is able to manage a smile and walks over for an embrace. Dimitri accepts it, wrapping Claude in strong arms and a smell that he's only ever found in Fodlan, far away from the heat of Almyra and its killers.

Dimitri set's a hand against Claude's head and looks at him with a steady gaze. "You're beautiful," he starts, and Claude smiles at the complement. It's how Dimitri always seems to start a conversation with him. They kiss, quick and chaste but Claude doesn't mind. He used to being patient and Dimitri needs a moment to collect his thoughts.

His gaze lowers to Claude's collar, his other hand coming up to tease the edge. There is a flutter of nerves in Claude's stomach. He doesn't react as poorly to Dimitri touching him anymore, but its still a grey area for them.

"I used to hate my scars, a part of me still does." Dimitri says. "But you always shower them with affection. You tell me that their signs of strength, that they mean I'm a survivor." Dimitri kiss Claude again. "I want to do the same for you."

Dimitri pins Claude to the wall with one hand, the other pulling at his collar. Panic starts to set into Claude. He trusts Dimitri, he does. They had to rely on one another in the war and Dimitri never let him die, but his mind doesn't seem to care. All it remembers is panic and childhood memories.

It helps that Dimitri doesn't hesitate. That he presses in like an unstoppable force. He doesn't kiss or tease, just does what they've been wanting for years and _bites_. Claude gasps as if the wind has been knocked out of him. The pain should throw him off of the crumbling ledge he's on, but it doesn't. Dimitri's body is too warm against him, bringing with it other memories of intimacy and contact. Dimitri bites down again and again, lavishing his tongue across each bite to soothe and burn together.

Claude is shaking, his senses battling two different reactions. He struggles against Dimitri's hold but Dimitri doesn't falter. He bites again and Claude moans, his knees going weak, his erection growing hard. He doesn't realize that he's tilting his head, that he's _asking_ for Dimitri to keep going, but Dimitri doesn't need further insentive. He devours Claude like a lion would a deer, violent and certain and far more erotic than Claude can handle.

He's moaning, gasping, wanting to touch but unable to. Dimitri's hand rises from Claude's collar, cupping his neck and pressing against the forming bruises. Dimitri slides a leg between Claude, pressing painfully against his erection. 

The savagery of the act is making Claude lightheaded. He shakes and fumbles and wants Dimitri to eat him whole. He doesn't notice Dimitri releasing his wrists, because that same hand moves to pull Claude's pants off of him. Claude's freed limbs wrap around Dimitri, pulling him close. A hand pushes his head into Claude's most vulnerable place, panic bursting against the pleasure-pain of Dimitri's attention.

He cries out when Dimitri's gloved had touches his erection, rough and there and everything Claude could ask for. Dimitri's mouth leaves his neck but his hand doesn't. It presses against Claude, like the rest of Dimitri, cutting off air. But Claude's mind is lost to pleasure and Dimitri could snap his neck like this and he wouldn't care. Instead he whines and ruts against Dimitri, who presses even closer. He's saying something in Claude's ear, voice just as soft and bright as their youth, but the words are darker, dipped in passion that neither of them can control, that Claude doesn't _want_ to control.

He's on the precipice of passing out, his vision getting spotty and vibrating, when he finally comes. The world does stop then, breaking away as he releases. Something collapses inside of Claude, and hisbis only standing becaue of Dimitri's body against his own, because of his grip on Claude's neck.

Dimitri is careful after that, hands moving to embrace Claude rather than bruise. He's own breaths are hot and heavy, but Dimitri has learned restraint. He carries Claude over to the bed, moving to hover over him and stroke himself. Part of Claude wants to touch, but he feels like he's floating, unable to come down from a high he's never experienced.

When Dimitri comes, Claude is present enough to see the face, to kiss him deeply at the end. He's still loose, his mind unravelled. Vaguely, he's aware of Dimitri moving, of him cleaning them both up and tucking Claude close. Claude knows he came to his room to pack, but it's warm and comfortable. He falls asleep, Dimitri's hand brushing against the back of his neck.

* * *

When Claude awakes, the sun is still shinning, Dimitri is still there, and his neck is warm from touch and bruises. It takes a while for Claude to align his words, to layout his plan out in his head. Dimitri waits, he can be patient as well when it's needed.

"When I was three, or maybe five, an assassin got into my room and tried to kill me." It's not the most elegant start, but Claude's past is not beautiful. Its disgusting and traumatizing and Claude is through covering for something that has only done him harm. "They had stabbed me that first time. But my crest kept me alive," Claude gives in to a cold laugh, "all this fighting over crests and if I had been born without one, I'd be dead."

Dimitri keeps rubbing Claude's neck. It hurts, but his body doesn't react just yet. "After they found out that stab wounds were less likely to kill me, they tried other things. Poisons, drownings, fires. The more I think about it, the more I realize I survived a lot of shit."

"You're strong." Dimitri says, his breath close. 

Claude smiles. He can't express how much that means to hear. Still, he started this story for a reason. Taking Dimitri's hand away from his neck, Claude places a gentle kiss on it. "Someone must have realized that, so long as I was conscious, I could get out of it. Choking someone is cowardly where I come from, even faceless assassins look at it with disgust. There's no honor in chocking someone in their sleep, no challenge, no glory.

"But it became more about getting rid of me then defeatinf me. So my neck became the best target." Claude keeps the memories calm enough to keep going. He doesn't hide his tears as he speaks, he doesn't need too. "I don't remember how often it happened, waking up to a stranger gripping my neck. Suddenly, it was like eveyone found a weakness and no longer cared what it meant. My opponents in the arena would try to pin me there. My tutors would try me down if I ran. I started to feel phantom ropes and fingers on me, as if they never let go."

Claude's words begins to stutter. He's scared to keep going, but Dimitri is watching him with a blue eye he's only ever seen in Fodlan and it helps. It helps to have such a difference in Dimitri from his home despite all the similarities. Part of him laughs at the thought. If Almyra could look past Dimitri's skin, they would love him. Strong build, a love for fighting, an unwavering dedication to his people. Perhaps, when Claude is stronger, when he is able to share more, he can take Dimitri there. To see the never ending sea of grass and fluttering wyverns playing coy above it all. Claude wants to return home so very badly, and he wants to bring Dimitri there even more.

"When I learned of my grandfather, of the Reigan dukedom and the Alliance, I used it to escape. Some people may call me noble, but back then I was a kid who wanted to run away but could never convince myself to." Claude closes his eyes, fingers rubbing against Dimitri's. "It took awhile before my nerves calmed down, where the shadows weren't always enemies. In a way, they became my friends, I could hide in them from other people, going unnoticed by everyone." He grins, catching Dimitri's eye. "They were also perfect for making out in with hot boys."

Dimitri snorts, blushing. "You kissed me just fine in the light."

"And wasn't that a sight! You blushed so much back then." Claude kisses Dimitri's warm cheek. "You blush so much now.

"Anyways, I pushed my problem under the rug. It wasn't obvious and I figured I wouldn't have to deal with it. By the time I came to the academy, I thought I was over it."

"And then we started dating."

Claude nods. "Back then, I really did believe I was fine. That it was something like a nervous twitch that would go away in time. I was lying to myself, of course, I knew that even back then. But I didn't want to admit that something was wrong." Claude sighs. "And I hurt you and Felix because of it."

Dimitri doesn't say anything, just places a kiss against Claude's hairline.

Claude brings his hand to his neck, touching the bruises, feeling the pain. He can feel his shoulders tense. Dimitri takes Claude's in his own and moves it away.

"Thank you." Claude says. "Thank you so much."

Dimitri kisses him. "Thank you as well." His eye is bright but soft, and Claude can imagine the hair that falls over it tied in Almyran braids.

"I think after Fodlan is a bit more stable," Claude says, hopeful. "I'd like to show you my home. It's far more beautiful than my memories make it out to be."

Dimitri nods. "I'd love that.

Claude giggles, "and _I_ love you!"


End file.
